Recently featured in Marie Claire Magazine, dating expert Brandon Aki is the perfect mix of education and experience. He's the real-life HITCH for women.


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    Valentines Love Letter to Self!

    Regardless of relationship status, Valentines day always affords us the opportunity to give love, but it isn’t often that we think of ourselves as the ones we can give it to… Below was a letter written to me by a long-time FB friend. It’s an important reminder that no matter what you’re going through, you must always remember to seek love from within. I hope you enjoy and apply it to your life. -Brandon

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    Hi Brandon, 

    I wanted to share an exercise I tried after being inspired by a friend who recently left an abusive relationship. 


    Sarah and I went to the same high school in Florida. We became friends quickly and related to each other easily. With exceptionally high standards for ourselves, we both wanted to achieve, achieve, achieve—pushing ourselves to keep the 4.0 GPAs, hold positions for student government, Latin club, debate team, National Honor Society, win the scholarships… We stayed in touch after I moved Sophomore year. Sarah came to visit after high school and brought her new boyfriend with her. Smiling and hugging, she seemed the same girl of chaste notions, wide eyes of green, demurely present. It surprised me then, to meet Rick. A thirty-something dominant frame of sarcasm and boisterous, jejune quips. It took some cajoling for Rick to let Sarah and I talk privately over tea. Walking side by side with girlish giggles still floating in the air behind us, Sarah quickly sat down, clasped her tea cup with both hands and grew grave. She was pregnant. I wasn’t quite sure why this news left her eyes vacant and fingertips white. 


    Throughout our conversation, Sarah criticized and berated herself. She criticized her decisions, seemed unsure, questioned whether her unique and vibrant attributes were worth anything at all anymore. She no longer liked that she was a hard worker: she wanted to be a dreamer. And yet, she wasn’t doing enough; she was afraid she wasn’t smart enough: she couldn’t go back to school now; her pale skin was too pale, her hourglass frame wasn’t petite enough; Rick didn’t think she was that good of a volleyball player, so she therefor wasn’t. Dark words of self-doubt slithered in between her forced smiles. She abruptly stood and brushed the auburn hair from her neck, revealing deep ochre and green bruises. Pushing her sleeves up, puffy red scar tissue ran perpendicular to her veins. She hugged me tight and said she’d call. 


    Five years later, we were again sitting across a table from one another over tea. But this time as two 24 year old adults. Sarah’s flecked green eyes stared clear and unflinching. The corners of her freckled mouth were upturned and I thought of the fat Buddha. Conspicuously absent was a stroller, gender-specific pastels, rattling toys or binkies. What had changed? After losing the baby from a foreboding fall, Sarah left Rick in the middle of the night and sought refuge at a woman’s shelter roughly five years earlier. She had pursued extensive mental therapy, took up journal ling, and now played on a woman’s intramural volleyball team. Sarah told me when she was with Rick, her own mind had turned against her. Her relationship with him made her question her sanity and her sources of confidence. His words reminded her of her critical mother, and affirmed her own doubts that she never dare entertain while in high school. The truths she began to tell herself while with Rick seemed more powerful than the “deluding optimism” she had once known; the new perception felt familiar, and distressingly comfortable. It made the transition into his grip seamless. 


    It struck me as profound—possibly because it seemed so odd—that Sarah continually praised one exercise for learning to love herself again. She wrote Post-It notes to herself. Unable to speak to herself kindly and without bitter condemnation, she would write supportive phrases she had heard from old friends. She’d repeat them to herself, eventually summarizing in her own words. It progressed into writing soothing words to herself in her journal instead of dwelling or recounting what made her unhappy. At one point she said, she no longer needed to write the phrases down; they had become louder than the voice of her mother, or Rick. What once were other people’s words on Post-Its, became an attitude—a self-composure and internal strength that stood like a pillar when called upon. Regaining her identity, she said, was a matter of learning how to be your own lover. 

    The day Sarah opened up to me was the same day Brandon posted a simple quote on Facebook about loving yourself before loving others. It made me ask myself, when all the voices around me were silent, what voice was speaking to me? Was it loving? The more I put my focus into improving this self-talk, the easier it got to keep myself buoyant without anyone else’s reassurances. I’m convinced this is the first step toward becoming confident enough for an emotionally intimate relationship. So, thank you for posting such thought-provoking quotes Brandon. And thank you for letting me share your story, bestie Sarah. 


    I’ll be the first to admit those urges to achieve followed me to college. But one of the things that has kept my determination from becoming destructive perfectionism, is the ability to speak gently to myself. I’ve been in relationships where I needed the other person and their opinion of me in order to feel worth and confidence. But I felt so much healing in my heart after writing my first letter. Slowly, I reconciled with myself for all the times I had pushed myself to the point of breaking. I spoke gingerly, forgiving myself for replaying mistakes I’d made in the past and for living in my faults. I reminded myself of my skills, spoke hopefully about the future, and smiled proudly when I could accept compliments for the first time in my life. I noticed a change in my academic career; I was more comfortable with feelings of accomplishments and I was more resilient in times of stress. 

    Perhaps this will help someone else; it helped me, even though it felt strange at first. I adapted Sarah’s idea slightly, but the message is still the same. 


    Write a letter to yourself, a love letter. Write it as if you are you, but speak with the most comforting and supportive voices you’ve ever heard in your life (mine turned out to be the women in Sue Monk Kid’s The Secret Life of Bees). Adjust your letter and the messages you tell yourself, for those internal struggles that are uniquely your own. What would you tell your best friend when she was feeling most upset? Say those things to yourself. You deserve to hear soothing, gentle words no matter what you have or haven’t done today, no matter what’s going on, and especially if no one else is saying them to you. I have heard you must love yourself before you love others. To that I would add, love yourself so that you can accept the love of others and nothing less. 


    I practice writing these love letters to myself whenever I realize I am not in tune with my needs, when I tell myself, “I should” far too often. I write them when all I want is a strong hand on my lower back guiding me gently into bed. I write them when I’m feeling insecure, lonely, or stressed. But some of the best ones have come when I’m feeling wonderfully confident and self-assured—think of them as a surprise bouquet of flowers and thoughtful note from an admirer. 


    Here is a letter I wrote to myself when I felt so sad and tired, I couldn’t sleep, eat, or wash my makeup off: 

    Look at you beautiful, so sleepy! You’ve accomplished so much! Take the compliment, baby. So much hope and determination in you, so much fight and focus. You’re going somewhere, kid. We both know it. Don’t you be frettin about those pounds you think you see. Your health is a continuum, baby. You’ll go up as quickly as you come down, start up those habits as quickly as you dropped ‘em. You’re not your mom, honey. Every move you make you prove that, alright? Your self is fearless, it’s your perception of yourself that holds those fears. Now, baby. Clean up, wash your face, get your night shirt on and feel alive. Remember how beautiful you are, how blessed you are, how wonderful it is to be aware of yourself and all your feelings—let them flow through you without judgment. Make note, baby, of all you don’t want to feel or what’s bothering you. Make note of how it makes you feel and then let it go, don’t live in it. Brush your teeth, wash that face and remember baby girl, it’s just you and me for eternity. And I love you no matter what. I love you now, before, and will love you later. I love the skin you live in and the mind and heart you possess. I love your soul because your soul is me—I love you completely and unabashedly. You can’t hide from me and don’t be afraid of me, baby. I’m the only one that’ll ever really know you besides ol’ Big Guns Upstairs (God). Feel safe, resting by my side. Feel loved, feel so complete you can curl up in your bed, close those big brown eyes and rest gently, smiling. I love you. I’m always with you. Love, you.

    Written by Kim Neal

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    Anonymous asked: Brandon, what are your thoughts on sleeping together on the first date. It wasn't my intention but one thing led to another. Now I am not really getting the attention I want from him. Help?

    Dear Anonymous,

      YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If you date long enough, you’re going to have moments of weakness and moments you wish you could take back, so don’t spend precious time beating yourself up.

      It sounds like you really like the guy, so the important aspect to focus on is making the most of the situation and finding out if he is truly a man you can include in your long-term planning. Use the following steps to get back on track:

    1. Invite him out for some candid conversation (coffee shops are normally perfect for this type of thing). Location and timing are important, because you don’t want to have a repeat performance of the “accidental sex session”…

    2. Set the tone quickly; your attitude for the conversation must be fun, open-minded and direct. Simply let him know that you had a great time, but you really want something more substantial than a sexual fling. The key here is to be honest about how you felt that night and be generous with compliments; men get self-conscious too, so compliments will help prevent him from worrying that you may just be trying to “let him down” softly after a bad sexual performance on his part.

    3. Encourage him to be honest and be prepared for any answer that he may give. This is a critical step, because fostering honest and open dialogue is the foundation of great relationships.

    Ask him questions that will help you understand his true intentions with you. If he says, “I only want sex,” don’t get mad; he’s simply being honest. If, on the other hand, he says, “I want to explore a meaningful relationship” be happy, but also be cautiously optimistic; the hard part has just begun.

    Along with great feelings, sex comes with chemical reactions that will quite often seriously impair your dating judgment, so set a personal timeframe for yourself and how you want the physical aspects of your relationship to evolve. Let him know that you want to take a little more time to get to know him before you hop back in the sack. If he’s truly worth your time, HE’LL WAIT! Good luck getting back on track… -B.Aki

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    You Say He’s Just a Friend…

    ANONYMOUS ASKED:

    Brandon,

    how do I tell someone that I dated briefly that I just want to be friends. I dated him like 2 years ago when I was on a break from my major relationship. We’ve stayed in touch and recently met for drinks…of course he asked if I was in a relationship, I said no— but that I’m not sure I’m ready to get out there yet and start dating aggressively. He’s since invited me out on several occasions and I’ve only committed once out of most of the invites. I’m getting the sense that he wants to date again, but having had the chance to reflect on our brief stint together— I’m certain that he isn’t for me. So—— Brandon, how do I tell him? What words do I use? I like him as a friend/homie, but that’s about it. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I think he’s really lovely, but just not lovely for me. 

    ANSWER:

    Dear Anonymous,  

    This is a situation where you want to be 100% open and communicative toward him. When he asks you out again simply ask, “What are you looking for?” This will give him a chance to tell you his intentions. It will also open the door for you to set boundaries and properly manage his expectations. Approach this seriously and don’t take the easy way out by avoiding the topic. Be careful to understand that being honest with him now will save him loads of heartache in the future. -B.Aki


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    Generational Dating

    On twitter, @FLASHionista inquired about things “baby boomers” should consider when dating. 

    First let me clarify, if you were born between 1946 and 1964 you are in the baby boomer generation, which means that you are between the ages of 47 and 65. For my clients, this age range can actually be a really great time in life. With age comes, clarity, stability, a deeper understanding of life, self and family and a myriad of other great life experiences that have made your journey to this point very rich, rewarding and worth sharing.

    5 Things to consider before hitting the dating pool:

    1. Take care of yourself: like men and women of any age, be mindful of your health, fitness, and mental stability. Never try to include someone in your life if it is broken and in need of repair. Ensure that you have the energy and mental space to fully immerse yourself in the joys of dating. 

    2. Age is more than a number: generational distinctions, in our society, were created to denote particular, shared, historical experiences. If you find yourself dating men who fall outside your generation you should be sensitive to that fact that he is likely to view the world in a drastically different way with respect to family, finance, life, love, etc. 

    3. Know where you’re going: at this point in life you undoubtedly have a laundry list of attributes you don’t want in a man. But be careful not to mistake a “don’t want” list for an actual understanding of who you need in your life. Take the time to create goals for yourself and your potential partner to gain clarity and direction for finding the right man. 

    4. Be mindful of family: Understand the fact that both you and the man you will be looking to date are likely to have families (and the baggage associated with them). As such, communication will need to be paramount to make sure both you and he are on the same page.

    5. Safety is key: Just because you are older and wiser doesn’t mean you are invincible and have nothing to lose. STD rates among men and women in your generation are rising. Don’t be cavalier about your health and who you share your body with. Take your time, don’t rush into things and remember to protect emotions and your health by practicing safe sex.

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    Anonymous asked: What is your opinion about kissing on the first date?

    Dear Anonymous,

      First let me say that affection, on any level in dating, should be based on your comfort level and how the guy you’re with makes you feel… Kisses can be very powerful, so I always make sure that each of my clients understands that a kiss can really set the tone for an impending relationship. Below are three important things to consider before jumping in “face-first”:

    1. A kiss is a reward for a great date, a great feeling and a romantic moment. NEVER kiss a man, because you feel obligated to or because you feel sorry for him.

    2. Set limits. A kiss can be romantic and incredibly passionate. Be careful that you don’t let the a turn into a prelude to something more “invasive”…

    3. Never underestimate the value of a great hug and a kiss on the cheek. IMPORTANT: Only kiss when you feel the moment and feeling is right. If you ever have a doubt about it err on the conservative side of things… It never hurts to give a man a reason to come back for more on another date; anticipation is a powerful sensation!

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    Radio Show

    I was on The Dating Marketplace Radio show on Sunday! Listen to the Podcast here

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    Anonymous asked: I met a guy at a bar a few months ago and since then we've hooked up a few times, but have never dated or been out in public. At first I was okay with it, but now I find myself wanting more than just late night hook ups. How can I get him to see me at a different light? Should I ignore the late night "booty calls"?

    Dear Anonymous, 

    Great question. First, it’s important to understand the physiological ramifications of hook-ups. During orgasm, your body releases a chemical called oxytocin that cause you to form emotional bonds to your partner. Because of this powerful drug, I don’t usually recommend random hook-ups for my clients. But for those who still want to explore that side of their lives it’s imperative to proceed with caution and adhere to the “friends with benefits” rules:

    1. Decide. Before you get into a “hook-up” situation you need to be clear about what you want (relationship or casual fun). It’s dangerous and unrealistic to try for both, so choose wisely.
    2. Communicate. If you decide that you’re just looking for fun, you need to be the first to tell the man what you’re looking for so both of you are on the same page. Be bold–if you’re too afraid to talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it!
    3. Know your limits. At any point, in a physical relationship, you don’t feel comfortable, STOP. What’s the sense of having a friend with benefits if the benefits keep costing you??

    Now if you’re looking to change the arrangement (normally not recommended) follow these steps:

    1. Separate. Spend a minimum of a month away from him (absolutely no sex) to break the chemical bonds your body has formed with him. This will help you think clearer and make better decisions moving forward.
    2. Communicate. Start learning more about him as a friend. Because your relationship started out physically it’s important to find out more about him mentally and emotionally to truly know if the two of you are compatible moving forward. 
    3. Wait. Since you are the one looking to change the rules in the middle of the game it’s important that you put the ball in his court. When/ if he’s ready he will let you know (don’t push him, or you’re likely to push him away).

    Life is full of amazing opportunities and individuals. Approach this new opportunity with an open heart and you may be pleasantly surprised with the results! -B.Aki

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    Anonymous asked: My situation is extremely complicated...this guy and I have never dated or been anything serious but I caught feelings for him and I don't think he has any feelings for me what so ever

    Anytime you feel like you’re in a gray area it’s always best to ask. Communication is key to understanding where you stand in a man’s heart. Muster up the courage and ask. You have nothing to lose, so give it a shot.

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    ‘Conscious Men’ Apology?

    @LexyWellness asked: Brandon, how do you feel about the “conscious men” apology to women? article here

    Answer:

    History is full of instances in which one person, and/or whole groups of people, wrong others. And while apologies are always nice, the real question regarding gender should be, “How do men and women treat each other from this point onward?” 

    While it is one of the most difficult questions we and future generations will be forced to answer over time, it’s important to understand that romantically it begins with men becoming gentlemen again and women actually appreciating them for it. Love is about balance, understanding and reciprocity. How do you feel about the apology? Write in on twitter or facebook and let me know! -B.Aki

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    To Dine or Not to Dine (Alone)…

    @THEAUX01 and @IntriguingDs asked: Brandon, what is the skinny on solo dining, mainly for women? What do you think about a woman who goes out to eat alone?

    ANSWER: I’m assuming that this question is referring to single women who don’t mind meeting a man. If so, it’s important to understand that there is a right and wrong way to dine alone while single. 

    1. If you are actually going to go out by yourself, own it. Don’t feel self-concious about your decision. 

    2. Sit in an area that isn’t secluded. It’s okay to be alone, but it’s not okay to hide in the corner like a wounded puppy. Confidence is sexy and it gives men a great excuse to come to your rescue and strike up a conversation.

    3. Don’t be afraid to look around. Don’t bury your head in a book, or spend all your time chatting, or texting on the phone. Look around and take inventory of the men in the room. 

    4. Talk to the waiters and bartenders. Men will be scoping you out discretely, so appearing to be social lets the men watching you know that you are cool and worth talking to.

    5. If/ when a guy approaches you, be kind and graceful. It takes guts to approach a woman and strike up a conversation out of thin air. Who knows, maybe you’ll hit the jackpot and find someone worth getting to know a little better